Charlotte Joko Beck
Practice is never about not handling things but always about how you handle them. If you’re in a situation that’s causing you a lot of suffering, for your health and safety, you may need to change it right away. You may need to establish boundaries so that you get some rest, some time to regroup. But if you have space, then it’s better, from a practice standpoint, to focus on your own reactions to the situation. Then you can begin to see the situation more clearly. One way to tell your practice is growing is that you no longer have hidden complaints. You may have ideas for ways of doing things, but you are not lamenting or dressing up your complaints.
When we’re lamenting, we usually either take unskilful action or even no action. You can leave – but you take your self with you just the same, unaltered. The other person remains the same, unaltered. Our basic vow in our practice is to do good. When you walk out, your situation just stays the same. If that’s the case, you’re going to meet it again. Believe me, if you haven’t resolved something, life will just make sure you meet it again and again and again. Because our thoughts are our own position in the matter, if we aren’t aware of them, the likelihood is that any action we do take will be self-centred, no matter how good it looks. With practice, if we can see the difference between our lament and the situation at hand, any action that we do take is more likely to be life-centred.
We can’t address change on a functional level unless we’ve dealt with our emotions first. Otherwise, we’re trying to create change from a place of anger. And that doesn’t work. Because with most complaints, no matter how you dress them, the other party senses your grievance, your anger, and your desire to fix things. It’s very different from when you honestly experience your own emotions and then try to work together on something. There are always things that need to be looked at and possibly altered to find a better way to do it. But there doesn’t need to be so much emotional attachment to a certain result. Change becomes more of an investigation, and exploration of the question, “How can we do this in a way that’s less harmful?”